I'm thinking this is going to be my final column for the Faribault County Register.
Very shortly I am going to be out of here. Call it early retirement. Call it having my ship come in. Call it being really lucky.
My resignation will be on Lori Nauman's desk by the end of the day.
Why, you ask?
Because I'm going to be rich. Not just sort of rich, but rotten, filthy, stinking rich.
You are probably wondering how this amazing change in my financial status is coming about.
Well, it seems that this rich prince in Nigeria died not too long ago. And left an estate worth $256 million.
Somehow, his daughter got my name and sent me an email. She wants to deposit these funds into my checking account at First Bank Blue Earth.
In exchange, I get to keep 10 percent of the money. Now, I wasn't too good at math in school, but it looks like I get to keep just over $25 million.
Not a bad deal for just letting someone park some mega bucks into my account for a while.
All I have to do is send her my checking account number, my social security number and a few other personal identification items.
Sounds like a pretty good deal.
And, not only that, but I must have been living right because I also have a second massive pile of cash coming my way.
Got a phone call the other day telling me I won the Irish Sweepstakes, or some such lottery over there in Europe.
It is $750,000 or pounds or francs or euros, which I admit pales in comparison to the $256 million I am getting from the Nigerian prince, but it still isn't chump change.
Now this pretty remarkable because I don't even recall having entered any sweepstakes anywhere, much less in Europe. Heck, I don't even buy lottery tickets at Juba's Supervalu or Kwik Trip.
All I had to do to get my winnings was give the guy my personal identification information and wire him a money order for $3,000 to cover the taxes and incidentals.
Some people might think this was a scam, but he sent me a cashiers check for the full $750,000 and the check looks really legit to me.
I'm going to take it to the bank and deposit it right after work.
It's a darn good thing I got all this money coming in. I have a few places to spend it.
For instance, I just got an email from Nancy Willette telling me her sad tale of taking a trip to the Phillipines and losing her wallet and cell phone.
She is stuck without a phone or cash, and the embassy there is holding her passport.
She asks me in her email if I can wire her $3,000 to help her out of her predicament.
And, not only that, but I got a phone call from my grandson, who is in jail in the Phillipines.
I didn't even know he was traveling abroad. It seems strange that an 8-year-old would be allowed to do that.
His whispery voice asked me to wire him some bail money.
Seems odd that both Nancy and my grandson are in the Phillipines. I wonder if they were traveling together for some reason.
And now I just received a phone call that says my college loans are past due and if I don't send in a big check right now federal agents will be knocking down my door to arrest me.
And I thought my loans were all paid off 40 years ago.
Thank goodness that money from Nigeria will be arriving soon or I would be in big trouble.
Just ran into Blue Earth Chief of Police Tom Fletcher and told him how I was going to be cleaning out my desk soon and heading to Florida because of all my good fortune. And I told him how I also had to figure out how to wire off some funds.
He told me all of these things are scams, frauds and cons. Not a one of them is true.
There is no prince from Nigeria, there is no winning number from the European Sweepstakes.
And, on the good news side, Nancy Willette is safe at home and has never been to the Phillipines and doesn't even know my 8-year-old grandson.
It is all a pack of lies, put on by people who are trying hard to separate me from my hard-earned money.
Chief Fletcher says his office here in Blue Earth averages one phone call per week from citizens questioning scams just like the ones I described to him. And the banks in town have customers coming in with fake cashier's checks for fraudulent sweepstakes winnings.
People, don't be taken in like I was. These are all fake scams and please don't suck for them. Remember those words of wisdom from your grandma: If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
Now I have to figure out a way to sneak back into Lori Nauman's office and snatch that letter of resignation back off her desk.
And then get back to work and start writing another column for next week...