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Helping to cope with the loss of a spouse

Greimann starts widows’ group called Blue Earth Area Helping Hearts

By Chuck Hunt - Editor | Jan 7, 2025

Shelly Greimann says that losing a spouse is the worst thing that can happen to a person.

She should know, as she lost her husband, Rahn, three years ago.

“It is the most awful, terrible thing,” she says. “They talk about the five stages of grief, but that is bunk. It is the stupidest thing to think you get through these so-called five stages of grief and then you suddenly get better.”

The death of a beloved spouse is life changing, and even more so if you are a woman who loses a husband, Greimann says.

“You lost the person who would help you process this,” she explains. “You lost your way of life, maybe lost half your income if they were working or you were both on Social Security.”

She says survival mode kicks in and you just do what you have to do to survive.

“You have to handle all kinds of things yourself, you might lose some friends or even relatives,” Greimann explains. “They just quit stopping in or calling.”

And, she adds, there is not a lot of ways or places one can go to help deal with the overwhelming grief.

That is why she recently started a new group in Blue Earth that is a way for people who have suffered this tremendous loss of a beloved spouse, to get together and get some help by helping each other.

It is called Blue Earth Area Healing Hearts, and they meet every third Thursday of the month at the 10 Talents Art Center at 5 p.m.

“We didn’t want to use the term “widow” in the title of the group,” Greimann says. “And it is for anyone who has lost a spouse, either recently or not, men or women. However no men have yet joined.”

She started it back in September of 2024, although she says she had the idea for a while before that. Before that first meeting she sent letters to every person she could think of in the Blue Earth area who had lost their spouse.

“I wrote about what I was trying to do and invited them to come to the first meeting and bring a friend if they wished,” Greimann explains. “I had quite a few come, and it started off well.”

Greimann had help from some people who do similar things in different counties and some help from one of the workers at UHD Hospice.

“They said it should be a place where people are free to talk, or not. There should be “safe speak,” where they can tell about their own grief, and how they responded to it,” Greimann says. “They talk about their own experiences with dealing with the grief and having others not understand. We also practice active listening and we have a basket of ideas and activities to help get us talking.”

Greimann says in some ways it is more of a support and social group.

“We get together and we try to help each other,” she explains. “But we also talk about our lives and how we are dealing with things.”

They deal with a lot of subjects, like “widow brain,” which is a fogginess many experience as they go through shock and go into survival mode. Greimann says they need to know that it is normal to feel tired and need rest when dealing with grief.

Greimann also mentions that many widows feel like they are looked down upon, even treated like they are stupid, because they are not thinking straight due to the overwhelming grief.

There is “grief bullying,” which is when someone, who maybe is trying to be helpful, says the person has grieved long enough and it is time to move on.

“We may be able to eventually find some joy, meaning and purpose in our lives,” Greimann explains. “But the grief never truly goes away.”

Then there is finances. Besides just paying for the funeral and other expenses after the death of a spouse, there are the ongoing things, especially if a person is not old enough for Social Security or is a young mother with children.

At their November meeting they practiced “Novembering,” which included bringing photos of their loved ones and sharing stories about them and having a pot luck supper.

“We shared some discussion on combined grief, with a spouse and another loss, like a parent or child, brother or sister,” Greimann says. “Grief is grief and sharing a name or remembrance is good.”

Greimann says she feels a great responsibility to put this group together.

“It is not for everybody, but we are here if someone needs us,” she says. “Some have told me they support this idea but are not ready to commit to it at this time. Some have been a widow much longer, some not so long.”

Greimann says she has learned the big lesson that after the death of a spouse, you will survive, you will go on, but the grief never really goes away.

If you or someone you know might be interested in learning more about this new group, Blue Earth Area Healing Hearts, contact Shelly Greimann by email at michele.greimann@gmail.com