It is true. Sad but true. I have been the victim of gang violence here in Blue Earth.

I know what you are thinking. I, too, thought Blue Earth was safe from that sort of thing. Gang violence? Surely that kind of crime activity only happens in places like Minneapolis, Chicago, New York or Los Angeles.

But, I hate to have to report that our small towns are no longer safe from this type of violence which is usually reserved for the big cities.

It started with random cases of vandalism at my home.

It appears as though the gang wanders around at night through my neighborhood. They must take out their switchblade knives and whack the tops off many of the flowering types of plants in my yard. The tops of Hosta, lillies and other plants all have had the flowers cut off the top. In some cases the vandals hacked off all the flowers in the many flower pots in my yard.

There just is no reason for such senseless vandalism. We were only doing our part to make Blue Earth B.E.-utiful.

My wife would like to see the vandals caught, arrested and then shot.

One of the vandals even had the audacity to defecate right in my yard, obviously as some type of gang sign.

I thought it might be some sort of retaliation for something I wrote in the Faribault County Register. We do get threats occasionally for our coverage of the news.

However, it is not just me and not because I am the local editor. The thugs went through my neighbor Don B.’s garden and ripped off all the leaves on his bean, potato, beet and even cucumber plants. But there they made a fatal mistake they left footprints in the muddy soil. I am hoping the Blue Earth Police Department can make plaster casts of those prints as they attempt to hunt down the members of this gang.

Now the violence has escalated to attacks on my person. Yes, it is true. Members of a rival gang have been attacking me in my own yard, taking out their tiny stilettoes and attempting to stab me repeatedly while I am busy grilling and mowing. I can hear their evil laughter right before they attack. It is sort of a buzzing sound.

I plan on taking the matter of this gang violence to the Blue Earth City Council. But, I think I already know what they will say.

“Look Chuck, we already discussed this issue of deer wandering around town and doing damage last winter. We talked about an in-the-city-limits deer hunt to try and get rid of the problem, but we decided it wasn’t worth all the effort it would take, and probably would not accomplish a lot.”

I will respond to them with, I agreed with that decision then because it was near the end of the winter, and I figured they would not have a need to wander the city in the summer, munching away on all the flowers and vegetables we plant.

Sure, maybe it is all the high water in the river bottom that is driving them back into town, but this is kind of getting ridiculous don’t you think?

And what about that rival gang attacking people in their own yards?

“Well Chuck, you know we contract with a company that sprays for mosquitoes. And they have done that several times this year. But it has been a wet summer so far, so it is probably hard for them to keep up.”

I will answer that with saying that with all this water around the town, maybe it is time to step up the number of times they spray. Maybe go from once a month to once a week.

The mosquito spraying may have been effective earlier this season, but now it has become a serious issue which needs to be addressed.

It has become dangerous to be outside in one’s own yard. And, what with Giant Days coming up, well, it would be nice to be outside.

I don’t necessarily believe in vigilantism but I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I sprayed this smelly stuff in my yard that is supposed to keep deer away. And some of that other spray that fogs the yard and kills mosquitoes, at least for a few days.

Call it chemical warfare if you want. But, if our city government can’t keep us safe from gang violence, it is time to take matters into our own hands.

Maybe the next step is to form Neighborhood Watch Teams like the big cities do. We could take turns patrolling the streets at night, chasing the deer back into the woods, while spraying for mosquitoes at the same time.

It is just a thought. And, if you haven’t yet guessed, not a very serious thought.

I hope you are having a nice summer, despite the rain, the heat and the gangs of deer and mosquitoes.